Weird and Embarrassing Things
by YamatosSenpai
Summary: "The fight started because the shitty cook was getting in Zoro's face. Luffy laughed, shaking his head, "Don't be stupid, Sanji. Zoro doesn't like girls." And that was how the fight ended. Because Luffy started saying weird things."


**This story is for my favorite person. Happy Birthday! I love you and hope you enjoy your story. : )**

"You're just trying to show off for Robin, damn Moss-head." Sanji claimed, his cigarette held just to the side of his mouth. "I should just kick your ass and get it over with."

The fight started because the shitty cook was getting in Zoro's face. He hated that. He hated the way that blonde asshole would just wriggle his way between him and his crewmates. He hated the way that the shitty cook would accuse him of getting too close to Nami and Robin. It was stupid and untrue and just frustrating.

Luffy laughed, shaking his head, "Don't be stupid, Sanji. Zoro doesn't like girls."

That was how the fight ended. Because Luffy started saying weird things.

Luffy's words struck a chord with Zoro. He tilted his head to the side, studying Sanji's reaction. Sanji blinked, his cigarette falling forgotten by his side. He looked at Zoro, his eyes narrowing thoughtfully and then he looked at Luffy, as if figuring something out for the first time.

"Hey… what's that look for?" Zoro demanded. "Hey… you! Don't make weird faces!"

Sanji raised his hands peaceably, backing away in surrender.

"Hey, you're really pissing me off…" Zoro growled, his fists curling at his sides. "And you, Luffy! Why the hell'd ya go and say something like that for?"

"Well, it's true, isn't it?" Luffy asked, scratching a slender hand through his dark hair.

The crew was silent. Zoro expected laughter or taunting, but everyone kept doing what they had already been doing. It was a calm, serene day on the Thousand Sunny and Luffy's comment had only seemed to ruffle Zoro's feathers.

Zoro grumbled in complaint, excusing himself from the others under the guise of a nap. He shuffled his feet over the deck loudly, distancing himself as quickly as possible. Once alone, Zoro dropped to the ground, his swords placed beside him. He crossed his legs, his arms folding over his chest. "What the fuck?"

Zoro laid back against the railing of the ship, the salty breeze misting his tanned skin. He closed his eyes, the same sentence replaying in his head _. Zoro doesn't like girls._ There were lots of things that Luffy could've meant. Zoro was a swordsman first and foremost. He didn't have time to play with women. Zoro was a Strawhat and because of that he travelled the world and never stayed in one place long enough. And as for the crew…

Zoro opened his eyes, pissed off all over again. What did that jackass mean? And why did it suddenly bother him so much. Zoro was smooth, not in a garish way like Sanji and not in a kitschy way like Franky. Zoro just didn't let things affect him. He had a purpose. He had a goal. He had a dream and that dream took up every waking thought. If Luffy was going to become the King of the Pirates…

 _Damn, Luffy_ , Zoro groaned silently. _He's wrong, damn it._

And so Zoro resolved himself. He was going to settle this disturbing 'rumor' once and for all. He looked around suspiciously, ensuring he was actually alone before pushing his hand down his pants. He went about his action rather tepidly, treating his self-pleasure like a business matter he rather wished to get over and done with.

He pictured Nami first. She was smiling, her radiant hair curling around her curves. She was beautiful… and exasperating. Zoro couldn't get past her frugal habits and her frustrating habit of charging interest. Zoro growled, knocking his head against the railing.

 _No_ , Zoro thought, _I won't be defeated here._ Zoro stroked faster, his eyes clenching shut. He bit down on his lip, focusing intensely on Robin. He envisioned her long, black hair and could almost imagine how soft it would feel in his large hands. He pictured those long, smooth legs that seemed to go on and on. He imagined those legs wrapping around him, spiraling over his thighs and pulling their bodies closer together. He imagined long fingers trailing along his back, black hair tickling his ear.

Zoro's pace quickened, his hand stroking down his slickening member. He grunted quietly, his legs spreading apart unconsciously. He imagined that laugh, that idiotic laugh of Luffy's, right against his neck. He imagined how his breath would tickle his skin, the thought alone made Zoro shudder.

Zoro stifled a moan, pushing a second hand under the waistband of his pants. His left hand snaked a little lower, working both hands at once. His foot tapped against the wooden deck, a bit of spit collecting in the corner of his mouth. His eyes fluttered open and closed, his cheeks and ears blushing beautifully.

Zoro could picture Luffy, his lean body twisting around his own. He could nearly feel Luffy's wide palm pressing against his erection. He twitched, his breathing growing more uneven, as he fantasized unabashedly. He visualized Luffy's face, his lips drawn; his white teeth spread open to receive Zoro's throbbing cock.

And as Zoro reached orgasm, he fancied himself coming in a rather rude manner. He imagined his cock pressing against Luffy's parted lips, the captain lapping with a pink tongue and matching pink cheeks. He groaned, his pace slowing as he pumped into his hand. He had nearly finished, a warm wave prickling over every inch of his skin.

He sank into a heap on the deck, his hands still pinned under the band of his pants. He sighed, his fingers curling over his sticky palms. He shifted uncomfortably, removing his hands from his pants in disgust. He looked around before wiping his hands on the wood beneath him.

A strangled cry escaped his lips, his stomach plunging. He cursed lowly, glaring at his hands as if they had betrayed him. He finally realized what he had done. He finally comprehended _who_ he had actually been masturbating to. He sighed, wiping his hands on his pants. "What the hell."

"Hey, Zoro." Usopp said cheerily, walking up the stairs with a wave. He had powder all over his overalls and it looked as if he might have blown himself up, but he still smiled.

"Fuck off, Usopp!" Zoro growled, eyeing Usopp dryly.

"And fucking off…" Usopp replied, turning around mid-step. He walked back down the stairs, disappearing from view.

* * *

"Hey, Sanji…" Luffy drawled lazily, dipping his fishing pole back into the sea. "When's dinner?"

"Actually…" Sanji cooed, hovering between Robin and Nami. "It's ready. I've prepared a sweet honey and soy salmon for you, Nami and Robin…" Sanji sighed dreamily, placing the plates down in front of the two women. "And the rest of you…" Sanji said, straightening up and lighting his next cigarette. "Fried rice with side of Sea King."

"Just once I'd like the fancy meal." Usopp complained.

"Doesn't matter." Luffy said with a crooked smile. "Everything Sanji makes tastes good."

"Yeah, right…" Zoro scoffed, turning away from the others haughtily.

"Oh, my." Robin said with a soft chuckle. "We're getting into this again."

"What's that?!" Sanji demanded, clenching down on the cigarette dangling from his mouth. "Care to repeat that?"

"I said, 'Yeah right'." Zoro said slowly, enunciating each syllable. "But I'll eat anything so it doesn't really matter…"

"You two are idiots." Nami groaned, smacking her balled fist against the side of Sanji's head. She leaned across the table to reach for Zoro but he pulled away. "Can we eat in peace?"

"Arguing is bad for digestion, you know." Chopper interjected sweetly, beaming proudly from ear to ear.

"Hey, Zoro…" Luffy said slowly, his fingers scratching an itch on his lower belly. "I remember how it was before Sanji joined the crew…" Luffy smiled, shaking his head in playful refusal. "You can't cook for shit and you know it."

"Yeah, well, you can't cook either." Zoro accused, a pout curving his lips outward.

"I know." Luffy spoke quickly. "That's why I got a cook to join the crew." Luffy slapped a wide hand against Zoro's back. "If you could do everything I wouldn't need anyone else."

Zoro cleared his throat, a comfortable heat spreading across his cheeks. He muttered incoherently under his breath, his hand fidgeting with his swords. He looked anywhere but at Luffy, his eyes settling on the wisps of hair on Franky's legs. Eventually the silence became awkward and Zoro gave in, "Well that's too bad. To think I did this to myself…"

"You know you love us." Nami insisted, shaking her hair out in a carefree way.

"Yeah, bro." Franky said with a shrug. "We've bonded."

"I stand by what I said." Zoro insisted, eyeing the rest of the crew.

"You're breaking my heart, Moss-Head," Sanji groaned, turning around with a flourish in his step. He puffed on his cigarette calmly before speaking again, "Eat before it gets cold…"

"Sure thing." Usopp said, rubbing his belly in gesture. "Where is it?"

"It's right there on the ta-ble…" Sanji's eye widened, his curled brow arching even higher. "Luffy! Luf-fy, you jackass! Did you eat everything?"

Luffy cackled triumphantly, dodging Sanji's kick. He stretched out, his arms latching onto the far railing and in an instant he shot across the ship and temporarily out of Sanji's reach.

"Damn it, Luffy…" Usopp groaned, watching the scene unfold around him. Sanji chased after Luffy, Chopper screaming in panic, Nami shouting, and Robin simply sitting, reading her book.

"Hey, Luffy…" Zoro said, unsheathing his swords. "How about you just give it back?"

"Give it back?" Luffy asked, narrowing his eyes in confusion. He pressed a finger to his lips, pushing his long finger into his mouth. "You mean like barf it up?"

"Don't you dare waste food like that!" Sanji bellowed, dropping his cigarette to the deck of the ship.

"I won't. I won't." Luffy promised, raising his hands peaceably.

"It's never dull around here." Robin said, smiling pleasantly.

"That's for sure." Chopper agreed, nodding his head.

But Zoro couldn't pay attention to anything or anyone else. His mind was replaying the same thing over and over; Luffy's finger sliding into his mouth. Zoro released his swords, turning his back on Luffy. He leaned over the rails, the breeze assailing his senses. He inhaled deeply, doing his best to clear his mind. But it was useless. Over and over again; Luffy's wet mouth parting.

"You okay there, Zoro?" Franky asked, eyeing Zoro with concern.

"Yeah." Zoro replied, nodding without tearing his eyes away from the sea. "Just got a bit nauseous is all."

"You're probably just hungry." Chopper said, giving Luffy a dissatisfied look.

"Yeah, maybe." Zoro said, his weight resting completely against the railing.

"Hold your horses, Moss-head." Sanji sighed. "I'll be right back." Sanji kicked Luffy as he walked by. "It's your fault, Luffy!"

"I'm sor-ry…" Luffy groaned, tugging on his hat out of habit. "I was hungry."

"So was everybody else." Usopp groaned.

"I'll be right back, Nami…" Sanji promised, twisting back and forth excitedly. "Robin…" Sanji glowered at the men of the crew. "You guys just wait quietly and don't bother me…"

"We need to get that guy laid," Franky muttered, elbowing Usopp pointedly. "It's gettin' embarrassing…"

"You have no idea." Usopp groaned. "We've been together a long time. He ain't getting anywhere with Nami or Robin and it is too far between port-of-calls."

"I heard that!" Sanji growled. "And I would never kiss and tell, but I can assure you I get way more ass, _I mean lovely women_ , than you!"

"Oh, please. Franky is a pussy magnet." Franky muttered.

"I can't believe you just said that out loud." Usopp groaned, stepping to the side and away from Franky.

"Franky…" Nami warned, her face twisting into an angry mask. "How dare you speak like that in front of me!" She, unsurprisingly, attacked, whacking her fist into his back as roughly as she could muster. Franky groaned, rolling from side to side in inflated agony. "Serves ya right."

"Well, I don't care much for the word either," Robin said softly. "But we are pirates…"

"No excuse." Nami retorted, flinging her hair over her shoulder with a flick of her wrist.

"Whatever you say…" Robin replied, burying herself back in her book.

"What're you reading?" Chopper asked, hopping into the chair beside Robin.

"The Peculiar Mating Rituals of the Mammals of the South Blue." Robin replied, showing Chopper the cover.

"That sounds just fascinating…" Nami muttered sarcastically.

"Oh, it is." Robin agreed, ignoring Nami's tone. "For example, an astounding 94% of all giraffe mating activity observed is homosexual…"

"What the hell?" Franky shook his head. "How the hell are there giraffes then?"

"And why are you reading a book like that?" Usopp asked, scratching his chin in confusion. "I thought you were a history buff?"

"I read everything." Robin said simply.

"Ha-ha." Luffy interjected with ease. "All I can think about is that square nose from CP9…"

"After "necking", which is a male giraffe's battle for dominance," Robin explained, a smile twisting her lips. "The two males will court one another and then the dominant one will mount the other…"

"Ewwwww…" Luffy drawled, shaking his head in refusal. "Hey, Zoro…" Immediately, Zoro's stomach dropped. He tensed, preparing himself for whatever asinine comment would escape Luffy's mouth next. "Do you need to talk about it?"

"How old are you?" Zoro asked simply, folding his arms over his chest.

"Only two years younger than you." Luffy replied.

"Well, those two years must be as wide as an ocean." Zoro responded edgily.

"Aww, come on…" Luffy groaned. "It's not like I thought you made out with a giraffe…"

"Just. Stop. talking." Zoro pleaded, his teeth clenching in frustration.

"I feel like this is my fault." Robin interjected, smiling despite her words. "All in all, this book is a fascinating read and you're all free to borrow it when I'm finished."

"Thanks but no thanks." Usopp insisted, waving his hand in firm refusal.

"Your books are so booooring…" Luffy complained. "Books should have a picture on each page… or dragons or pirates! Yeah, pirates!"

An idea struck Zoro. He wasn't much of a reader. He preferred to exercise his physical form, but it was never a bad idea to sharpen his mind. And what better way than reading? Okay, to be honest he was just thinking about perusing erotic magazines. Zoro smiled to himself, pleased at his own ingenious plan. The next time they docked, he would find a bookshop, get some material, and get Luffy's stupid, idiotic words out of his head once and for all.

 _'_ _Zoro doesn't like girls'._ Zoro frowned, a shiver rippling across his body. _I'm not a fucking giraffe._

* * *

"Hey, Swordsman…" Robin said softly, watching Zoro from the corner of her eyes. "What brings you in here?"

"Are you looking for a book?" Chopper asked, bouncing happily beside Robin. "I'm going to get a new medical book. A big, fat one!"

"I, uh, I'm just looking around…" Zoro said, excusing himself from his two crewmates. He walked slowly, turning a corner and hiding himself behind a bookshelf. He sighed, his back pressed against the shelving. He looked up, slowly searching out the titles of the books.

They were small books, not too thin and not too thick. Zoro let out the breath he had been unconsciously holding. He grabbed the first book he saw, just a random book in the middle of a shelf. He inspected the cover; two boys in school uniform.

"Oh…" Zoro said, nodding his head. "I've read this sort of thing before…" Zoro opened the book, flipping to the fourth or fifth page. "Manga."

Zoro leaned lazily against the shelf behind him, flipping pages as he began to read. It was a cute, little story, not something Zoro really wanted to read but it caught his attention somehow. The two boys were friends since childhood, but suddenly the one boy, Keita, grew cold. He didn't want to hang out with Haru anymore…

Zoro turned the next page, and although he felt a little silly, he really wanted to know how Keita would react to Haru calling him out. Keita cried, and the drawing was really rather tragic looking. People didn't really cry like that. They looked ugly when they cried. Snot was involved. But Keita looked like a prince when he cried.

Zoro sat down on the floor, the book nestled carefully in his lap. He turned the next page; Keita was trying to speak, trying to explain to Haru why they couldn't be together. Zoro clicked his tongue, angry that Keita was using such pathetic excuses. And then Haru got angry, he reached out for Keita. Zoro guessed he was about to choke the shit out of Keita for being a heartless bitch, but instead, Haru kissed Keita.

Zoro closed the book. He sat in silence for several long seconds before shoving the book into an empty space on the bottom shelf. He let his head fall back against the metal shelf with a loud thud. He closed his eyes, focusing on his breathing.

"Hey, Zoro." Chopper said, turning down his aisle. "We're all done here. You ready to go? Are you asleep?"

Zoro decided to go with it. He pretended to sleep, even letting a small snore rip from his throat and nose. "Poor tyke is all tuckered out." Robin said teasingly, her hand affectionately tapping Chopper's hat. "Come on. He'll catch up."

"He'll get lost." Chopper insisted, but he followed after Robin anyway.

Once Robin and Chopper disappeared, the bell tinkling on the door of the shop, Zoro bolted upright, grabbing the book he had carelessly shoved back into the shelves. He opened the book, turning hurriedly to the page where he left off. He scanned the page, and then the next, and the next. He paused on the page after, his eyes focused on the censored, blurred anatomy.

"This doesn't even make sense," Zoro complained. "Keita is such a jerk." Realizing that he was speaking to himself, Zoro peered around the empty shop. He returned to the book, only to gaze around once more in suspicion.

Zoro finished the book and stood. He placed the book back where he had gotten it from and looked around the aisle curiously. What sort of respectable bookshop had such bizarre material? Was there even an audience for this sort of thing?

Zoro walked through the store quickly, nodding at the shopkeeper wordlessly as he passed the register. "Didn't find anything to your fancy?"

"Ah, uh, well," Zoro paused at the door, his hand pressed to the handle. "You carry some weird ass books here."

Zoro had time to cool his head. The pier had obviously disappeared, or moved or something, because it took forever for him to find it again. It wasn't until the Thousand Sunny came into view that Zoro realized he had failed his mission. He hadn't gotten any material to peruse later. He hadn't gotten anything to help with his 'problem'. Zoro let out a groan, shaking his head in irritation. "That's just great."

* * *

"This shouldn't be so hard." Zoro muttered, dropping his just emptied cup between his legs.

"What?" Sanji asked, a deep peach settling into his cheeks.

"Just pepping myself up." Zoro said, sliding off the barstool. He tapped his fingers against the counter, nodding toward Sanji.

"For what?" Sanji asked, watching Zoro saunter off through the bar. "Where are you even going?"

Zoro ignored Sanji's hissed questions. He leaned against the wall, his muscled arm flexing attractively. He smiled, the group of young women beside him nearly swooning. He cleared his throat, wracking his brain for something to say, "It's, uh, night. It's a nice night…"

The ladies laughed, covering their mouths with their hands. They were each attractive in their own way, Zoro supposed. If he had to pick, he supposed he fancied the black-haired one. He rolled his shoulders back, cracking his neck. She blushed, whispering to her friends. Zoro didn't have anything to say to them. He realized almost instantly that he had no interest in any of those women.

"My friend over there," Zoro said, nodding toward Sanji. "He wants to know how much it would cost…" Zoro smirked. "Probably no more than half an hour."

Zoro realized belatedly, as a small, delicate hand slapped his cheek, that he had just been impossibly rude. He frowned, accepting the several slaps that he received. He couldn't even apologize so he stood silently.

"Oh, Cap-tain," Robin said softly nudging Luffy in the side. "I think our swordsman needs to get back on the ship."

"Hey, Zoro," Luffy said, swinging across the bar in an instant. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Nothin'." Zoro muttered, trying his best to ignore his captain's unnerving proximity. "I think I'm gonna get another round."

"Okay." Luffy said with a chuckle. "You can drink on the ship."

"I'm not drunk!" Zoro defended, almost insulted by the insinuation. "I can hold my liquor."

"Okay, okay…" Luffy drawled, his arm hooking around Zoro's thick arm.

"Wa-wait…" Zoro groaned, his eyes growing wide with the dreadful realization of what was about to happen. "Luffy…!"

"Gomu-Gomu Designated Driver!" Luffy called out, snapping back toward his lower body. Zoro slammed into the bar, splintered wood and spilled beer spreading across his back.

"You dumbass!" Zoro growled, slipping in the liquid pooling beneath his feet. "What was that? And what the hell kind of name was that anyway?!"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Luffy replied with an easy laugh. He hooked a thin arm around Zoro's shoulders, walking toward the exit of the bar. He waved to the rest of his crew, flashing them a natural smile. "See ya later."

"I'm fine ya know." Zoro insisted. "I'm not drunk."

"I know. That'd be nearly impossible for you." Luffy admitted, his hands shoved into the pockets of his shorts. He looked up at Zoro, his large, wide eyes locked onto his. "But you didn't really wanna be in there anyway."

"I don't have much in common with those people." Zoro said simply, his body stiffening. "I'm a swordsman and a Strawhat. What exactly am I supposed to talk about with _other_ people?"

"You just don't like girls." Luffy said with a blasé shrug.

"And what the fuck does that mean?" Zoro demanded, rounding on Luffy in anger.

"Huh?" Luffy looked up at Zoro with wide, innocent eyes. He scratched his head with a long finger, deep in thought. "Well, uh, am I wrong?"

"You pick your own boogers." Zoro murmured, shaking his head in refusal at the suggestion. "Why do you suddenly think yourself so clever?"

"You must be hungry." Luffy drawled. "Because you are grum-py…"

"You don't understand." Zoro groaned. "I have spent my entire life honing my skills. I push my body to the brink of death, over and over. I have dedicated my body and soul to the way of the sword…" Zoro took a breath. "And I suddenly can't control my own body. I'm bothered by all the weird things you say…"

"What are you talking about?" Luffy asked. He pat Zoro on the back in a comforting gesture. "I know all that. That's what I'm saying. How can you like girls when your entire life is becoming the world's greatest swordsman?" Luffy laughed, clearing the air. "I'm the same, ya know. I don't have time for pointless things. I'm gonna be King of the Pirates!"

"Wait a minute…" Zoro exhaled heavily. "That's what you meant? The whole time?"

"You're so weird." Luffy joked. "What did you think I meant?"

"Wow." Zoro said quietly. "Look at that food…"

"Food?!" Luffy yelled excitedly, his hands clenching into fists. "Where?!"

"Right there, dumbass." Zoro said, biting down on his lip. He pointed to the street vendor peddling some sort of drumstick.

"Oh, it looks so good!" Luffy cried out, grabbing two huge legs of meat. "Meat!" Zoro watched Luffy tear into the smoked flesh. It smelt wonderful, but suddenly his appetite was nonexistent. In fact, his stomach felt as if it had wrapped into knots. Luffy paused, his cheeks puffed out with fullness, "Wan' some, Z'ro?"

"Nah." Zoro walked on, leaving Luffy standing in the middle of the street. "I'm gonna get some sake."

"Wha' da ma't'r?" Luffy asked with a full mouth.

"I'm not strong enough." Zoro murmured, mostly to himself.

Luffy was thoroughly confused; he lowered the meatless bone to his side. He watched Zoro walk away with a befuddled expression. "Strong enough for what?"

"If I can't defeat this feeling…" Zoro breathed. "Then how can I ever win?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about!" Luffy called out. He frowned when Zoro didn't reply. "How _mysterious_ …" Luffy sighed, finishing the second leg of meat with a smack of his lips. He picked his teeth as he walked, giving Zoro a considerate distance.

"Ya know…" Luffy began, shuffling his sandaled feet as he walked. "You've been acting strange for a while now…" Zoro turned around, his face expressionless. He waited for Luffy to continue in silence. Luffy walked toward him, slowly closing the distance between them. "Did something happen?"

"Like what?" Zoro said, folding his arms over his chest.

"If I did something wrong, you have to tell me." Luffy admitted, his bare arm brushing against Zoro's. "I'm too dumb to figure it out."

"I'm not mad at you." Zoro said simply. "I'm mad at myself."

"What did you do?" Luffy asked with a broadening smile. "Should I be mad too?"

"Just shut up, dumbass." Zoro said, though there was no true heat to his words. "Go back to the bar, I'll head back to the ship on my own."

"The ship's that way." Luffy said, pointing to the east with a culpable smile.

"You should've said something!" Zoro shouted, his teeth bared in frustration. "Why the hell were you just letting me walk this way?"

"I thought you wanted to talk about something." Luffy replied with a shrug.

"Well, I don't." Zoro retorted.

"Okay." Luffy said, chuckling to himself.

"How old are you?" Zoro groaned.

"Two years younger than you…" Luffy said, a wide grin splaying his handsome face.

"But yet you're still such a kid." Zoro rebuked.

"You're still mad about the giraffe comment, aren't ya?" Luffy asked, nodding his head with realization. "I was just joking…"

"I'm not mad about the giraffe comment…" Zoro whispered, shaking his head in denial.

"That giraffe bastard was pretty tough…" Luffy said, his attention already changing directions.

"And super lame." Zoro added.

"But I was wrong…" Luffy said, scratching his chin and narrowing his large eyes. "You've actually been mad at me longer than that…"

"I already told ya. I'm not mad at you!" Zoro repeated with a groan.

"Oh, yeah!" Luffy exclaimed. Zoro's stomach dropped as Luffy's face lit up with realization. Zoro shook his head, lifting his hand in a halting gesture as Luffy began to speak. "It's 'cause I said you didn't like girls! Ohhhhhhhh… I remember now!"

"No… No…" Zoro breathed, patting Luffy in an attempt to silence him. "Shhhh…"

"You're so dumb." Luffy said with a carefree smile. He lifted a long, thin hand, ruffling Zoro's green hair affectionately.

"I'm so dumb?!" Zoro growled. "You have no room to talk, Luffy!"

"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." Luffy apologized seriously.

"No, that's, uh, not what happened…" Zoro murmured in embarrassment. "There are no feelings involved… Absolutely not…"

"We've been together a while now," Luffy began, his solemn demeanor causing Zoro to look up. "And I think a lot of times I don't even need to say anything. You know what I mean without a word. I guess I get spoiled by it."

"Uh…" Zoro cleared his throat, scratching the back of his reddening neck. "Really… it's not a problem… or…"

"I don't always know what you're thinking." Luffy stated simply.

"I'm usually just thinking about my sword." Zoro teased, fanning himself. Zoro scolded himself immediately. Luffy had gotten serious and then suddenly he was the one who couldn't act his age.

"You're treating me differently." Luffy complained. He cleared his throat and looked up, his large eyes narrowed fiercely. "If you don't stop, I'll kick your ass."

"Oh, shit, I'm Keita…" Zoro gasped, his gritty voice fluctuating in surprise.

"Who's Keita?" Luffy asked, his face twisting in confusion.

"Never mind." Zoro answered. "If I told you, I'd really have to kill you."

Luffy laughed loudly, his eyes creasing happily. He knocked his palm against Zoro's back, slinging his arm over Zoro's broad shoulder. "Come on, Zoro. Let's go get some more meat…"

"Luffy," Zoro said quietly, halting in the middle of the road.

"Yeah?"

"I wanna try something." Zoro replied. "I want to see if it works or not."

"What?" Luffy asked, his toes curling against his sandals.

"Don't rush me." Zoro demanded. "I'll do it in a minute. Just wait a damn second…"

"Damn it, Zoro." Luffy groaned, a chuckle escaping his lips. He leaned in, his arms wrapping around Zoro tightly. He inched closer, his thin body pressed up against Zoro's. "How old are you?"

"I…"

Luffy didn't wait for Zoro's reply. He licked his lips subconsciously before pressing them against Zoro's. He kissed firmly, with a sense of tender influence. He took a breath before kissing Zoro again, his eyes clamped shut tightly. Luffy's nose wrinkled and Zoro felt his cheeks grow hot.

With a throaty chuckle, Zoro closed his eyes, his hands roaming down Luffy's back. He kissed Luffy over and over with urgency. He let out a groan as his knees buckled, Luffy's legs winding unnaturally between his own. He felt his groin stir and with a reluctant sigh he pulled away from his captain.

"Feel better?" Luffy asked, barely concealing the idiotic smile on his face.

"Don't get cocky." Zoro reprimanded.

"Let's go back to the ship…" Luffy suggested, nodding in the ship's direction. Zoro wanted to refuse. He wanted to let Luffy know where he could shove his suggestions, but he knew how in-genuine it would sound. Luffy grinned, almost as if reading Zoro's mind. He hooked his arm around Zoro's shoulder and led the way back to the ship.

"Ah, thank God, the booze…" Zoro groaned, stepping onto the ship. He dropped down in front of a barrel and turned the spigot, his lips curling around the nozzle. He drank quickly, maroon liquid staining the front of his shirt.

"It's nice out." Luffy mused, squatting with his back against the wall.

"Yeah." Zoro agreed, turning off the spigot.

"It's really, really quiet…" Luffy pointed out, looking up at the starry night sky.

"It is." Zoro agreed, watching Luffy out of the corner of his eye.

"No one's around at all…" Luffy continued, his hands crossing behind his head.

"Oh, yeah?" Zoro eyed Luffy with amusement.

"The crew probably won't be back for a few more hours…" Luffy reasoned.

"Or they could come back right now." Zoro contended.

"That's what makes this more exciting…" Luffy said with a chuckle. "Maybe we'll get caught…"

"Caught?" Zoro scoffed, arching a brow. "Doing what, exactly?"

"This…" Luffy whispered, his hand snaking its way into Zoro's. He brushed his thumb along Zoro's tanned skin gently, their fingers interlocking. Luffy rolled over, straddling Zoro's thighs. He leaned forward but hesitated, their lips mere inches apart.

"Luffy," Zoro murmured, his face growing hot.

"Yeah?" Luffy asked, his large, heady eyes meeting Zoro's gaze.

"Let's not get caught…" Zoro spoke lowly, his breath fanning across Luffy's skin.

Zoro's proclamation seemed to ignite Luffy. He pressed his lips against Zoro's, kissing the swordsman greedily. With one hand he held Zoro's hand in his and with the other hand he tangled his fingers in Zoro's unkempt green hair.

Zoro barely noticed as Luffy knocked his knees apart, pushing himself between Zoro's muscled legs. Luffy readjusted his body, continuously kissing Zoro as he pulled Zoro's lower body into his lap. Luffy nuzzled his face against Zoro's chest, "You smell good."

"Shaddap…" Zoro groaned halfheartedly, his cheeks stained pink.

"So good I could eat you…" Luffy murmured, ripping Zoro's shirt off and over his head. He pressed his face against Zoro's skin, listening to his heart beating in his chest. He smiled softly, finally releasing Zoro's hand.

Zoro jumped as Luffy bit down on his nipple. He squirmed, his hands pressing against Luffy, "Hey, you dumbass! That's not what those are for!"

"What're they for then?" Luffy asked, licking across Zoro's nipple with feigned innocence.

"I'm a man! They don't have a purpose!" Zoro growled.

"Then let me do what I want…" Luffy whined, pinching Zoro's other nipple between his fingers. He pulled gently, stretching the hardening flesh as far as it would go. "Oooh, stretchy…"

"They don't stretch either, dumbass!" Zoro retorted. "D-on't…" Zoro mewled, his voice breaking. He met Luffy's gaze, his stomach heating as Luffy smirked.

"Stretchy…" Luffy murmured, gently tugging on Zoro's nipple with his teeth. He worked his fingers nimbly over the other one, twisting and pinching without mercy. "Stre-tch… Stre-tch…" he spoke around Zoro's flesh, his breath hot and wet against Zoro's skin.

"Luffy," Zoro groaned, his foot tapping against the floor. His back arched and his toes curled in his boots. He closed his eyes, covering his face with one hand, while the other wrapped around Luffy's wrist.

"Think something's gonna come out?" Luffy teased, his eyes meeting Zoro's as they opened briefly. Luffy's occupied mouth smirked as a deep blush set in Zoro's cheeks.

"Stop talking…" Zoro whispered, his hand smacking against the side of Luffy's face in embarrassment. His hand hesitated, his fingers combing through Luffy's dark, shaggy hair. He buried both hands in Luffy's hair, knocking his straw hat against his back.

Luffy was relentless. No matter how firmly Zoro pulled on his hair, he wouldn't surrender his position on the swordsman's chest. He continued until the unusual sensation turned into a not unpleasant burning. Finally Zoro released Luffy, biting down on his fist in an attempt to silence the lewd noises escaping his mouth.

Zoro shuddered, a prickling sensation erupting through his arms and legs. He struggled against Luffy, very aware of the bulge beneath him. He grabbed Luffy's vest, clutching the fabric in desperation. "Wait… Wait… Luffy… Stop for a minute… Luf-fy…" Zoro muttered, licking his lips.

Luffy shook his head, knocking his hips upward and against Zoro's bottom. He continued licking, sucking, biting, pinching, increasing his speed according to Zoro's moans. Luffy bit down hard, leaving an imprint of teeth around Zoro's right nipple. Zoro cursed, his hands unconsciously clawing at Luffy's clothes and skin.

And then, to his utter dismay, Zoro ejaculated. He covered his face as a stream of hushed expletives escaped from behind his hands. He shuddered, his stomach muscles flexing and contracting uncontrollably. His orgasm finished, flushing his body with drug-like intoxication. His hand reached down, stroking his clothed cock.

"Something did come out…" Luffy teased, placing his hand on top of Zoro's. He moved his hand slowly, sultry moisture seeping between their fingers. "Now you're all sticky."

 _Whose fault is that?_ Zoro meant to ask. But he remained silent, his chest and groin stinging slightly. The sea breeze was cold against his saliva-slick skin. His skin prickled with gooseflesh and he let his head fall against the wall behind him with a sigh.

"Coming just from me playing with your chest…" Luffy said, rubbing his palms firmly over Zoro's sensitive nipples. He pinched Zoro mercilessly before placing a sweet kiss on Zoro's forehead. He rolled his hips forward in a needful way, his erection pressing painfully against Zoro's ass. "What about me? I want you to touch me too…"

"Don't say such embarrassing things…" Zoro groaned. He watched carefully as Luffy moved their hands down Zoro's body. Their hands glided across his groin and down his thigh. Luffy placed Zoro's hand on the waistband of his shorts and Zoro wordlessly unzipped Luffy. Luffy removed his hand, placing it on Zoro's shoulder as Zoro began to stroke.

Zoro spread his legs further apart, both hands between. His hands moved deftly over Luffy's dripping cock. Zoro's eyes met Luffy's and the swordsman laughed softly, a short, nervous chuckle. Luffy leaned over, his back arching and stretching until their faces were inches apart. Luffy kissed Zoro, his tongue sliding into his mouth.

Zoro groaned around Luffy's tongue and then jumped in surprise as Luffy bit his tongue. He wrinkled his nose and flicked his finger against the tip of Luffy's erection. Luffy gasped, kissing Zoro repeatedly. "Sorry, sorry… I got too excited…"

"S'okay…" Zoro muttered, focusing on maintaining the pace of his hands. "Just don't bite so har-" Zoro blinked in surprise as Luffy pushed his fingers into his mouth. Luffy spread his fingers, pressing against his teeth firmly. He coated his fingers with Zoro's saliva, caressing the roof of Zoro's mouth.

Zoro felt an intense heat spreading through his groin and lower belly. He was aroused, painfully so, and his post-orgasm recovery was cut short. He shuddered, relaxing his mouth around Luffy's fingers. He groaned quietly, licking and sucking Luffy's fingers as he continued to stroke him.

"Zoro?" Luffy asked, his voice strained and thick.

"Mmm?" Zoro murmured around Luffy's fingers.

"Can I take off your pants?" Luffy asked, his wide eyes focused intently on Zoro's face. He removed his fingers from Zoro's mouth, trailing his wet fingers down his neck, chest and down to his taut stomach.

"Fuck," Zoro groaned, attempting to sit up. "Sure…"

Luffy rolled backward at an unnatural angle, he caught Zoro's bottom in his hands, gently placing him back down. He fumbled with the ties of Zoro's pants before finally pulling them down to Zoro's knees. He quickly removed Zoro's boots before completely stripping Zoro.

"Hey, Luffy…" Zoro breathed, his hand brushing against Luffy's before they kissed.

"Yeah?" Luffy asked, licking his lips expectantly.

"Which one of us is, you know?" Zoro asked, turning away from Luffy and averting his gaze.

"Is what?" Luffy exhaled, smoothly sliding between Zoro's legs.

"Which, uh, one of us is, uh, on the bottom?" Zoro stammered, even the tops of his ears turning scarlet.

"Are you kidding?" Luffy asked with a laugh. He placed his hands on Zoro's hips, smacking his flesh softly. "You're sturdier. You'll go on the bottom."

"Yeah, but you're made of rubber!" Zoro protested.

"Yeah, but…" Luffy pressed, grabbing Zoro by the ankle and flipping him over onto his stomach. He placed his hands on Zoro's round, firm ass and squeezed with desire. He dipped down, his breath tickling across Zoro's thighs. "I just really wanna eat you up…"

"Don't say weird things…" Zoro warned, pushing himself up on his elbows. "I'd hate to have to kill y-y-you… Luffy!" Zoro cried out. He shifted in embarrassment, but Luffy pinned him in place, his tongue pressing against Zoro's ass. Luffy wrapped around Zoro, his body twisting like rope. "Luffy… Stop… That's dirty…"

"Do you really want me to stop?" Luffy asked, pausing teasingly over the sensitive area.

"Stop talking…" Zoro pleaded, his hands curling into fists.

Luffy smiled against Zoro's skin and without warning inserted a finger beside his tongue. Almost immediately, he inserted a second finger, spreading them apart slightly. Zoro cursed, banging his fist against the wooden deck. Encouraged, Luffy continued excitedly. He lapped at his fingers, scissoring them apart. He deepened his reach, his fingers suddenly swelling.

The protests died on Zoro's tongue and what words did come out were unintelligible. Zoro moaned loudly, his cock dripping into a pool beneath him. "Tha-that's enough…"

"Are you sure? I want it to feel good." Luffy said breathlessly. His eyes were narrow and glossy, his cheeks were pink. Zoro looked away quickly, embarrassed that Luffy's aroused face could excite him so much.

"It's fine…" Zoro said, burying his head beneath his hands.

"I'm coming in…" Luffy said, his cock pressed against Zoro's ass. He slid himself inside, all the way to the hilt.

"Fuck…" Zoro groaned. And then, like an explosion of light, he thought he might die. An intense pleasure shook his body as Luffy thrust into him. It felt painful and incredible and passionate when Luffy moved, but with each stroke Luffy hit 'the spot'. It was overwhelming and Zoro cursed loudly, spit trailing down his chin.

"You okay?" Luffy groaned, one hand on Zoro's hip and the other on his chest.

"There… No…" Zoro whimpered, his eyes clenched closed. "Not there…"

"Here?" Luffy asked, intoxicated by desire. He thrust again, hitting Zoro's prostate. Zoro moaned lewdly, clamping down on Luffy's cock unconsciously. "But you seem to like it…"

Zoro began to pant, his stomach twisting into knots. Luffy's pace slowed and Zoro's body began to tingle. It was too much. He tried to sit up, but Luffy simply pulled him into his lap. Zoro gasped, his head rolling back and against Luffy's shoulder. Luffy reached around, stroking Zoro's dick to the rhythm of his thrusts.

"Luffy…" Zoro sighed, his body twitching against Luffy's. His orgasmed ripped through his body, his muscles clenching.

Luffy slammed Zoro down with finality, his ejaculate shooting deep inside of Zoro. He shuddered, wrapping his arms around Zoro tightly. They took a moment to catch their breath before Luffy pulled out. Zoro moved to climb out of Luffy's lap when a sharp pain shot across his hips and into his lower back.

"Shit!" Zoro groaned, sinking back against Luffy. "I can't move…"

"Sanji told me this could happen…" Luffy said, banging his fist against his palm thoughtfully.

"I don't care what that shitty cook said, I-" Zoro paused suddenly, turning to glower at Luffy. "What do you mean Sanji told you?"

"Well, he just said that even with careful preparation that…" Luffy began to explain.

Zoro hopped to his feet in one fluid motion. Still naked, and covered with sweat and more, he kicked Luffy in the chest. Luffy rolled head over feet across the deck. "You're telling me that you and _that cook_ talked about this?!"

"Owwww…" Luffy groaned, pulling up his pants hurriedly. "Why're you so mad?"

"You… and the cook…" Zoro began, his voice raspy. His eyes flickered dangerously and Luffy swallowed. "Talked about fucking me in the ass?"

"No, no! Of course not!" Luffy said, laughing easily. "Is that what you thought? No…"

"Then why, in what context, did he mention that little tidbit to you?" Zoro demanded quietly.

"Well," Luffy said softly. "I asked him what it was like…" Luffy scratched the back of his head. "I didn't want to do it wrong."

"Do it wrong…?" Zoro shook his head, "Only you, Luffy…"

"At least you're moving around now." Luffy pointed out. "That was a pretty good kick too. I feel like I might vomit, actually."

"You? Yeah, well it hurt me more!" Zoro shouted, blushing. "Now make yourself useful and grab my pants. I can't bend over…"

"Okay…" Luffy said, scooping up Zoro's discarded pants.

"And my boots." Zoro ordered, his hands resting on his lower back for comfort.

"Yes!" Luffy agreed, stacking Zoro's belongings into a pile in his arms.

"And now my stomach hurts too…" Zoro complained, averting his eyes. "So you have to help me into the bath."

"Of course." Luffy nodded obediently, following behind Zoro.

"Did, uh, the cook happen to, uh, say what to do to make it feel better or something…?" Zoro asked.

"He said, 'hot bath, frozen peas, and do it again in the morning.'" Luffy beamed brightly.

"There is no way, no way, that I'm ever letting you do that again…" Zoro insisted with a growl.

"Awww…" Luffy pouted, walking side by side with Zoro.

"Well, definitely not in the morning…" Zoro mumbled.

"Okay," Luffy said with a nod. "Not in the morning."

"I don't even wanna see your face tomorrow…" Zoro insisted.

"If that's what you want…" Luffy replied with a shrug.

"Well," Zoro began hesitantly. "You should take some responsibility."

"I should be more responsible." Luffy added.

"It's your fault I'm in pain…" Zoro pointed out.

"Yeah, I got carried away," Luffy said with wide innocent eyes.

"So, you should take care of me." Zoro murmured. "Until I've recovered."

"You're right." Luffy said with a grin. "For some reason I thought you'd be tougher…"

"I am tough!" Zoro barked. "You're all stretchy and stuff!"

"I am stretchy…" Luffy agreed.

"Are you just gonna go along with everything I say?" Zoro groaned, rounding on Luffy.

Luffy laughed, standing up on his tip toes. He kissed Zoro softly before turning back around. He walked straight and proud, carrying Zoro's clothing without complaint. Luffy smiled, nudging Zoro's shoulder affectionately. "Don't be stupid. I'd do anything for you."

Zoro didn't know how to respond. His stomach felt fluttery and light and he had to bite down on his lip to stop the spread of an idiotic smile. "You're calling me stupid, stupid?"

"How does your ass feel?" Luffy asked, changing the subject.

"Shut up! It hurts, dumbass!" Zoro groaned.

"Could you run if you needed to?" Luffy asked, scratching his chin.

"I can barely walk!" Zoro confessed. "Why?"

"No reason… I was just thinking…" Luffy began slowly. "If I'm gonna be King of the Pirates, does that make you the Queen?"

"I'm… gonna… kill… you…" Zoro growled. Luffy tossed Zoro's clothes into the air, dropping them in the hall outside of the baths. He dodged Zoro's fist and ran, Zoro chasing after. "I'm gonna drown you in the sea!"

Zoro ran into the baths, sliding to a stop in front of the water. He gasped in surprise as Luffy repelled down from the ceiling. Luffy laughed as Zoro clutched his vest tightly. "You caught me."

"Luffy," Zoro sighed. "You're such a dumbass."

And then Zoro kissed Luffy. He released his hold on Luffy's clothes and walked toward the steaming bath. He beckoned his captain closer, a humorous smirk on his face, "Come wash my back, future King of the Pirates."


End file.
